Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another..

The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

• Tim Hawkins – The Government Can

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am

When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded.

'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the  hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said,

'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . . you started it.'

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?”

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of

While walking down the street one day a Senator is tragically hit
 by a truck and dies.

 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
 there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
 you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Bill Smith 

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "No."
 The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates . . . but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that's what the people want", "C'mere Hilly, baby . . ."
 With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you friggin' idiot!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
Bill Smith

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he walked toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small stand selling neck ties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an over priced neck  tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK", said the  old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate  me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over the hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the  Arab staggered over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, and nearly collapsed.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
Bill Smith

 

 

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate:   

 

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.

Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell.

Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!!

 

 Bill Smith 

 

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.

Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,

"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well.. yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners."
Bill Smith

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length


      looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
      middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked,
      "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

      The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
      "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
      The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was

1. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
 
2. Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have.
3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
4. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
7. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "WTF happened?".
8. What is the speed of dark?
 
9. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
10. Just remember - If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Bill Smith

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I replied.  "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.  "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"  I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."  She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh.. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Bill Smith

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant

you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why d o you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that
smile for the rest of the day.)

Bill Smith