• Tim Hawkins – The Government Can

While walking down the street one day a Senator is tragically hit
 by a truck and dies.

 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
 there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
 you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Bill Smith 

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "No."
 The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates . . . but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that's what the people want", "C'mere Hilly, baby . . ."
 With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you friggin' idiot!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
Bill Smith

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he walked toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small stand selling neck ties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an over priced neck  tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK", said the  old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate  me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over the hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the  Arab staggered over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, and nearly collapsed.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
Bill Smith

 

 

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate:   

 

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.

Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell.

Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!!

 

 Bill Smith 

 

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.

Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,

"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well.. yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners."
Bill Smith

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length


      looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
      middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked,
      "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

      The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
      "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
      The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was

1. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
 
2. Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have.
3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
4. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
7. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "WTF happened?".
8. What is the speed of dark?
 
9. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
10. Just remember - If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Bill Smith